I may be well versed in classic literature. I may have a refined palate that prefers exotic flavors. I may like sophisticated fashion (when I’m not wearing sweats, that is), and I may have a froofy little lap dog. But…
I still <3 reality TV.
So imagine my bliss when the new season of The Bachelor debuted last night. The Bachelor franchise is, by far, my favorite reality television offering. It may seem weird, low brow, or even creepy for me to so crave this glimpse into others’ lives—especially the kind of other presented.
Whatever. Don’t judge me.
This show got me through some of the bleakest moments in my life, and for that, I will be forever devoted. In the not too distant past, I was going through a heart-rending divorce, which left me believing love didn’t, couldn’t exist. Emily’s season of The Bachelorette serves as a surrogate for the love that I couldn’t find anywhere else. I watched in amazement as not just one great guy—but several—fawned over her. I was enraptured by their visits abroad and turned on by their up-against-the-wall kisses.
Every Monday night, I would grab a beer and settle in for “Get drunk and watch the Bachelorette” night. Yeah, one beer is all it takes for me. Anyway… That was the high point of my week, which shows how sad my life had gotten. The Bachelor franchise made it a little less sad.
Fast-forward to the summer, and Bachelor Pad took over the air waves. By the end of the season, I was watching—beer in hand—snuggled up against the man who would shortly become my husband.
I know what you’re thinking… WHAT THE?!
And, yeah, I’d think that too if I were you. And I used to be you, or at least, I used to be the type of person who didn’t believe love could exist, and especially didn’t believe it could happen so fast (refer to earlier in this post).
But now I’m me, and blissfully happy with my soul mate husband, the love of my life, Mr. Falcon Storm (that’s his real name, get over it).
And he’s happy too. Well, most of the time…
He was not nearly as excited about the new season of The Bachelor. In fact, he became physically ill over how not excited he was. But he watched it with me anyway. For me. Because he well understands how important this silly little show is to his normally far more classy wife.
And, now, here’s the part of my post where I actually review last night’s premier. Brace yourself.
Ahh, Sean Lowe as the Bachelor. Am I stoked? Um, no. I didn’t like Sean on Emily’s season, because (A) he was boring, and (B) he’s just not attractive, especially when put side-by-side with Arie. *SWOON*
Speaking of Arie—okay, the beginning of the episode was just weird. It’s almost like the producers had to bring Arie in to actually make the thing interesting. I’m not sure what was up with the homoerotic kissing advice scene between them either. As my Bachelor buddy, Heather Cox, said, “It was as if Sean was more into Arie than any of the girls.”
On to the girls, shall we? OMG, I was embarrassed for them. And I was embarrassed for my entire home state of Michigan, because apparently we’re the cesspool that produced the drunken, psychopath “Fifty Shades of Grey” girl—which reminds me, I promised a long, ranty Fifty Shades review that I have yet to deliver… I gotta get on that…
To summarize, though, Fifty Shades of Grey almost made me hate reading. And reading was my Bachelor before Bachelor. It’s what I turned to as a child when none of the other kids would play with me. It’s my lifelong love. I’m a writer, for crying out loud! So, for a book to be so bad it almost makes me say “Sionara, love,” well, that’s pretty darned bad.
And “Fifty Shades of Grey” girl brought a tie with her and offered to tie Sean up BDSM style the very second she met him. Later in the episode, she got crazy drunk and came over to shake her ass in his face while he was trying to talk to another girl. When she inevitably got eliminated, she yammered more craziness and then pulled her dress up to show off her ass.
Wow. Just wow. I mean, seriously. Wow.
Now I <3 my home state of Michigan. It’s been good to me. But to have sired that train wreck? Yeah, I think I’ll tell people I’m from Ohio (and that’s saying something, since us Michigeese hate Ohio).
Of course, there were other girls on the show too, and I even liked a few of them. I was sad to see Bachelor Pad Paige go, but Sean doesn’t seem to be into classy chicks anyway—so better luck with a better guy, Paige.
I don’t really remember any of the girls’ names, but I figure if I refer to them all as AshLee, I have about a one in three shot of being correct. Seriously, what was up with all the Ashleys, Ashleighs, Ashlees?
So I liked the girl from DC—the one who looks like Nichole Ritchie—even though she said she doesn’t like geeks and that kind of hurt my feelings on behalf of our kind.
I liked the African-American girl who did a cartwheel out of the limo and stumbled. She seemed classy, kooky, and fun, and I could relate to her the most of the crew.
I hated the girl he gave the rose to straight out of the limo. She looks like a combination of Britney Spears and that one bratty little girl from Toddlers and Tiaras all grown up (I know, which one? Right?).
Then there was one-armed girl. I was glad Sean reacted with dignity. I mean, she’s people too. But the girl was so happy she got a rose and said it meant Sean could look beyond her physical appearance. No! It meant Sean didn’t want to look like a total d-bag by eliminating her the first night. Sean strikes me as a pretty shallow guy, so I’m looking forward to seeing how it plays out with one-armed girl.
Oh, back to the Toddlers and Tiaras girl—based on the season previews, it looks like she’s going to be the Courtney of Sean’s season. You know, the girl all the other girls hate but who acts phony enough around the guy to secure victory?
And that wasn’t the only deja vu from Ben’s season. We also have the previous alum coming back to take a stab at the new digs. Kacie B hopped Ben’s season to come and woo Sean. She was actually my favorite in Ben’s season, and it really sucked that the second he met her family, he was like, “Well, I’m out. Peace!” I do hope Kacie B sticks around.
In any case, Sean himself may be boring, but he seems to have a knack for taking an unorthodox approach to the show that sends his girls into a drama tizzy—like passing out roses as he goes and inviting Kacie B to stay.
- Do I find Sean attractive? No.
- Do I think him interesting? No.
- Do I hope he finds love? Yes, I sincerely do.
And even if 99% of reality TV these days is entirely phony, I’m still holding out for the 1% glimpse we get into the real human condition. I never believed in love until it happened to me—and I want it to happen to others, whether or not I like them or think they make for interesting television.
Haven’t you heard? I’m a girl, and I do love The Bachelor, I do, I do!
His & Her Reviews… It’s a thing we’re doing now!
Never have the differences between the sexes been so starkly highlighted as in the “His & Her Review” series. He loves Halo, while she thinks it’s a waste of time. She swoons for The Bachelor, but he wants to stab his eyes out. Follow husband-wife duo, Falcon & Emlyn, each Tuesday as they team up to review something that inevitably one will love and one will hate. Welcome to married life, folks.
That’s what HE said…
“It’s like watching George W. Bush as the only guy at the Slut Prom… I thought he was supposed to be from Texas? Cowboy up, bite the head off a rattlesnake and move on… And never mind that these chicks are desperate, catty, attention whores. That’s just the surface. Deep down, these chicks are crazy. Like Glenn Close Fatal Attraction crazy. Like Lindsey Lohan on a bender crazy. (One more?) Like Niki Minaj having a crazy off with Lady Gaga crazy… How could it be better? Drinking Games!”
Read the rest of his post HERE.
Enjoyed this post?
Sign-up for my monthly newsletter for Advance Review Copies, giveaways, and special announcements.